the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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