He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
