happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
