just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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