It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
