So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
