Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
