The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
