he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
