11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
