U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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