I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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