I wish my penis had an off switch
one two three fourrrrnication!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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