Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
How naked do you want me to be?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
