I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
