Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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