Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
