Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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