Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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