my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
