I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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