I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
