Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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