My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
