Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
