and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
