This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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