i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
