Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
