so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
