sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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