have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
