I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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