i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
