I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That accounts for only three of the penises
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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