i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
