life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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