You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i drank out of a bidet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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