I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
