I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
True strength comes from lack of pants
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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