Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
