NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
