watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
