is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
