I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
