All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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