He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
