highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
