Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
