We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
