Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She swung at the pinata with crutches
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
