I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
